In the last few months, I can honestly say they have been extremely emotional. I'm exhausted emotionally. Thats the best way to describe it.
Though this "journey, season, chapter" whatever you may call it, has been hard, I know where I need to go. I need to find myself in God's arms. I need to lay down my crown to Him, for I am only selfish when I wear that crown. I build alter to myself and not God. So I do what I know I need to do first.
LOOK IN A MIRROR.
Let's just be honest. I haven't made the best choices. I make mistakes. I attach myself to people and suffocate either myself or them. Which is horrible and ruins all friendship future. While I attach myself to one or two people, I neglect the friendships that I did have for so long. Again, I see that now that I have stopped and looked at myself and not others. I'm a constant work in progress. I struggle with trust and I know this "trust issue" has nothing to do with boys or friends. It lies deep into my childhood. Its something that I know I have struggled at least since middle school with. I didn't have a best friend until I was 20. I have lot of close friends, but no one I spoke to or hung out with everyday. After 5 years, I moved and the friendship started to crumble. Again I was starting a new life, got distracted and neglected. It was not fair on my best friend, I was wrong and blinded by "new shiny things". I have broken trust with her, I have broken her heart, I have lost that close connection.
BUT... ( this word and I have a love and hate relationship)
Though I know I have failed this friendship, maybe this connection was suppose to be broken? In my last posts, change is a constant topic. I return to this blog whenever I feel like life has taken a change. I read the posts from the past and can see the changes, the emotions, and just a glimpse of a bigger picture God is showing me.
"I must keep moving": Its a new year, Its a new beginning, It's a new everything. If I stop, who knows when I'll start moving again? So keep going.. thats what I hear. That is what my soul is telling me.. JUST KEEP GOING..
So plans changes on me, people cancel plans, people move away, people change their views in life and they don't see me anywhere in their future plans, so THINGS change. While plan change on me, I'm changing my mindset. My new mindset will be to live FULL. No, not of food. But FULL like Abraham did.
I havent been to church in a good 4 months. I went this morning. It was the first service of the year and the pastor didn't focus on "resolutions" like most do. Instead he brought forth an example to follow. To be like Abraham. Genesis 25:8 " Then Abraham breathed his last and died, after living a long and full life of many good years, and was buried with his people." Abraham was not FULL on money. He was FULL on good health, relationships, etc.
So we must START somewhere. God called Abraham to SEPARATE from his land and fathers house. Abraham TRUSTED. Abraham BUILT ALTARS (Dependency on GOD). TREASURE His nature.
You must first separate yourself from what is not good for you. What is holding you back?
You must not be afraid because you don't know where you will end up. Just know you don't want to go back to where you came from.
You must fast, depend and praise God. For He is the one directing.
You must recognize and treasure all endings and beginnings.
Random Thought:
My favorite song and verse have something in common, "God rescued me" is in both. I now know that that is a problem. I know God loves me and will rescue me. But why do I PUT MYSELF in a position to where God always has to rescue me. Why am I not dependent on God so much that I do not need rescuing every 6 months? FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
